Aw shit.
I don’t know if my preoccupation with age is similar to the preoccupation of women growing old everywhere. I’ve always assumed that the reason why women were so sensitive with age was because of the idea that beauty disappears after youth. Maybe I’m wrong, but seeing the amount of products out there that claim to be ‘anti-aging’ seem to show some substance to the idea.
For me, growing older is another year closer to dying. I’ve mentioned before that I’m afraid of death, and dying is something that seriously I don’t want to face. It’s kinda scary at the prospect that you don’t know what will happen to you when you grow old - maybe your mind will go first, and the sad thing is you’ll never know. Maybe you’ll become paralyzed. Maybe you’ll become a burden on your kids. What’s going to happen if you have no children? Where will you go? A home sounds awful. I don’t want to pee on the bed and have a nurse scurrying after me.
It’s frightening to think about these things, and I keep thinking that at 21, a quarter (or less) of my life has gone by. It’s strange to think about getting married based on the prospect that you need someone to take care of you when you grow old. That’s the way I see it, at least. Screaming babies and having no privacy is not my idea of happiness.
And I have to make these decisions now. Do I want to pursue a relationship? I’m not really attracted to anyone. My personality sucks. Do I want kids? If I do, I should marry early. Pregnancies late in life will endanger your health. What if I don’t want kids? Should I adopt, at the very least? What happens if I grow old alone, and I collapse of a heart attack in my apartment and no one is there to help me?
Why do I have to be focused on the present? I understand the unnecessary need to worry on the past, but the future just feels so close. I don’t feel like I’m going through life right.
Argh, crap.
Sexual Objectification
I wanted to post only after I finished up my new layout for the website (for some reason, it’s a brilliant shade of purple), but there’s this really pressing issue that’s been on my mind for some time, specifically the issue of sexual objectification. For all my feminist foot-stomping and expressions of disgust at how males have managed to internalize such notions, the same can be said for females, quite frankly.
Female-oriented (or any least, populated) communities seem to be the worst offenders of this. Any photo of a male celebrity would always be followed up with someone saying ‘I’d hit that’ and another swarm of other females agreeing, openly discussing their sexual fantasies with each other (also, Yahtzee). No one calls them on it, and yet these very females get on cases where males start saying the exact same things when presented with a female celebrity.
Of course, the usual arguments can be thrown around - females have every right to boggle at men’s bodies, females have had a history of oppression so we’re entitled to have revenge, the guys can do it so WHAI CANT I - but this isn’t about gender equality. This is about sexual objectification, in and of itself, employed by both genders. I personally find sexual objectification abhorrent, in all forms, male or female. I don’t support one or the other, and yes, I do condone my gender for it.
Just because women has had a history of oppression doesn’t mean we can subscribe to the same things men did. Frankly, I don’t think that this is even a valid psychological reason for the sudden surge of male objectification - it’s just another kneejerk “politically correct” answer as to why female objectification is condoned and yet male objectification is accepted. I frankly don’t think feministic revenge goes through the minds of 15 year olds when typing out ‘I WANT TO DO BAD THINGS TO THIS MAN’ on the Internet.
Perhaps the female sex drive was greater than I assumed. Perhaps I did subscribe to some form of projection bias; I don’t see the sexual attraction in men, I don’t gush on end, and therefore the rest of the female population have the same beliefs as I do. I’m wrong, obviously, but that doesn’t make sexual objectification any more right.
Should men be honoured by their sexual objectification status in the female community? With the evidence that men think about sex more often than females, it feels like men wouldn’t be as insulted as women are. But I’m not a man, so I don’t know. Maybe Johnny Depp does take comfort knowing that he’s in the sexual fantasies of prepubescent girls everywhere.
Anglo-Chinese Junior College
I was in the middle of another post last night writing about how idiotic I feel whenever I talk to Ken or Lisa, but I don’t want to keep beating a dead horse, so here’s another story, in light of Julia’s appeal to ACJC.
If previous generations were of any indication, ACJC usually attracted the 10-14 pointers. And it still did, when I did my O’ Levels. I think it was my generation that turned AC around and made it a popular school for the smart kids, I don’t know why, honestly. I didn’t get in with my meager 13 points (see la, I so stupid) and got my fourth choice instead, which was JJC. I remember Jeanne telling me that another classmate, Justina, had 9 points, a stellar CCA record and was a councilor, still couldn’t get into ACJC. I really think that was the beginning of AC becoming a top choice school.
My family’s sentiments whenever stuff like this happens often split into two groups - my mom and my dad. Julia takes after mom completely, and I’m exactly like good ol’ daddy. Mom is always happy and content and ready to accept the results, while Dad is always disappointed that me/Julia didn’t do better. When I heard that Julia got in SAJC, I reacted in the exact same way my Dad did when he got angry at my O’ Level results (of course, I was less antagonistic about it, to borrow the word from him). Julia and Mom were pretty satisfied with the results while Dad and I were scurrying around looking for people with connections.
Quite honestly, I couldn’t care less about this being considered a low way of getting into ACJC. My belief stems from the fact that ACJC’s admissions process was shady to begin with - I mean, Justina, for all 9 points and wonderful academic record was denied, and yet there was this girl named Elizabeth I met during my stint in YJC, got 16 points and managed to get in with her CCA (debate, and she got a C6 for it). If ACJC wasn’t shady, there wouldn’t be talk of finding connections in the first place, or the fact that bribing your way into AC is a tried-and-true method of getting into the school.
(SAJC’s motto, instead of ‘No one is here by chance’, should be ‘Everyone here is an AC reject’. Just sayin’.)
I suppose this smacks of the phrase ‘fight fire with fire’. If the opportunity of getting into AC by unconventional means is available and apparently the staff at AC like it enough to continue this tradition of teh crazeh, it shouldn’t be of any surprise that people will take them up on their offer. I don’t think there’s anything shameful about it (except those who donate like, a million dollars to their fucked up kid who just doesn’t care), especially when 7 points is a very, very good grade.
It feels like more and more people are getting 2-5 points though the whole ‘loyalty/affiliation points’ thing, which is complete nonsense. This is no longer based on merit; this is based on knowing if you should commit your kid to ACS(I) or St. Marg’s because you’ll get two points taken off when you take your O’ Levels. It feels like there is more and more pressure to excel, to take as many subjects as possible (and Higher Chinese, which I find rather ironic in light of SPEAK GOOD ENGRISH CAMPAIGN) and do good in whatever CCA you’re in.
No wonder we never seem to find time for ourselves, and whatever precious time we have we just want to relax. It’s still a drilled-in conception for me, even in America. I would just sit in my apartment and do nothing for 6 hours at a time, simply because I still have the unconscious belief that I don’t have a lot of time for myself. Either that, or I’m just making up for all the time YOU FUCKERS STOLE FROM ME. Unfortunately, this makes me look extremely lazy in the eyes of my cousins, which I shan’t talk about.
Also, I like AC because it’s only 20 minutes away from home. That’s all I like about it. Do schools just not like the west anymore? And why doesn’t Singapore have a ’south’? We have west, east, central and sometimes north, but strangely enough, no one mentions a south. Oh well.
Random thoughts
I’ve been studying up for my Holocaust midterm, and I’ve been reviewing all the readings I’ve had. Among them was Hitler’s Mein Kampf (again), and I have a quote for you.
It doesnt even enter their heads to build up a Jewish state in Palestine for the purpose of living there; all they want is a central organization for their international world swindle, endowed with its own sovereign rights and removed from the intervention of other states: a haven for convicted scoundrels and a university for budding crooks.
I don’t know how people can say that with a straight face, honestly. Even in the 1930s, there must have been some little mechanism in the head that was going ‘HAHAHAHAHAHA’ at that.
Secondly, saying ‘I don’t know how to put it in words’ and then complaining that I argue my side too well is not a valid excuse to bitch about me. You’re just stupid.
Finally, you know that you’re reading too much Psychology when you refuse to answer the following question:
Of the two events listed here, what was most significant to the Nazi party’s rise to power: The putsch of 1923 or the passage of the Enabling Act?
You refuse to give a proper answer on the premise that the putsch and the Enabling Act have no common independent variable, and it is thus impossible to compare the effects of both in relation to each other. Everything was important to the Nazi rise to power; why are you making me choose?! Why do you have to make my life so difficult?! *cries, whines, footstomp, etc*
ETA: Also, I now equate conspiracy with paranoid schizophrenia. There is no conspiracy to keep you down, honestly.
WWII thoughts
I have come to the conclusion that my History Holocaust tutorials (or recitations, whatever America wants to call it. I mean, seriously, you’re the only country in the entire world to use Fahrenheit Celsius, ‘color’ instead of ‘colour’… what gives?) are exceedingly useless.
We talk and talk and… well, do nothing, essentially. I don’t take notes down; I’ve already an opinion of the required reading formulated in my head - nothing other people haven’t already mentioned, and other arguments won’t sway my view. I’m not sure what we’re supposed to achieve from the tutorial.
I managed to borrow all the Joseph Goebbels diaries that were published, and I haven’t exactly gotten the time to sit down and read them. I’ve read bits and pieces from the 1925-26 book, and well, this guy is rather prone to dramatics, isn’t he? I went to compare his entries from 1945 and 1925, and the contrast is rather startling. In the 1925 diary, all he does is talk about himself. It is such a beautiful day outside! I keep working! I’ve read Mein Kampf, he is great! I cheated on my wife! I’m tired, woe! Sleep! Sleep!
In 1945, it’s just page after page of the events on the war front(s). It doesn’t make for good reading, especially when the whole thing is just about military strategy, which I absolutely have no interest in.
I’ve seen pictures of Goebbels… and he’s not exactly physically intimidating. He’s a short, thin man with an enormous head resting on a bony neck. It was kinda eerie to see a photograph of him sideways, and the vertebrae on his neck were clearly visible. It was like the uniform was two sizes too big for him.
I’ve read an excerpt of Mein Kampf particularly the bits about denouncing the Jews. Maybe it’s the translation, or maybe it’s a deranged Hitler, but that is possibly the most illogical thing I’ve ever read in my life. There are run-on sentences, one sentence paragraphs, and an attempted link from Jewish blood libel to using Palestine as their headquarters to take over the world…?
It doesn’t espouse hatred, and there is no inclination of mass destruction (at least in the excerpt), but it seems to be an argument on why the Jews are a burden to Germany. He does an exceedingly poor job at it. I tried to pretend that I subscribed to these beliefs - Treitschke reasoned much better on the same premises (Jewish conspiracy) - and I still failed to be convinced by Hitler’s diatribe. It is simply rambling. Maybe he’ll do a better job of convincing me his hair colour is blonde.
On the other side of the table, I’ve read three chapters of Marion Kaplan’s Between Dignity and Despair - Jewish Life in Nazi Germany. I’ll put a quick first impressions review tomorrow or something. I did not like the way she worded her sentences, and I felt it biased and speculative.
I still hold up War & Genocide as the best book about the Holocaust so far. It’s short, sweet, succinct. Read!
And here’s something to take away: Godwin’s Law. The definition:
As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1.
So… y’know, whenever you want to reference Nazis (be it yourself or someone else), you FAIL. Just sayin’.
The Zachary Wankfest
I feel both gleeful and sad to be a spectator of this wank, and being related to the person who didn’t quite mean to explode it into the crazy that it became. ‘Lil sis Julia finds tuition mate Zachary’s blog. Self-congratulatory post discriminates against neighbourhood schools, girls and Pioneer Junior College (of which he is a student of). Exasperated by his post, she sends his blog to me, and then Elizabeth for discussion. I spout my usual ‘I don’t care, there are more things to worry about.’ monologue. Liz goes crazy and sends the link to all her PJC friends.
Shit blows up. Zachary is verbally attacked on his LJ. Zachery calls everyone ‘pussies’ and attacks back. People print out Zachary’s blog and post it up on the toilets in school, along with his contact number and email. Said people nearly get expelled. Principal, Vice Principal, Discipline Master, teachers and the entire school gets involved. Zachary deletes his blog. Zachary is harassed at school. Zachary restores his LJ and posts an apology. Rumour has it Zachary withdraws from PJC.
Holy shit, and it all started with us.
I shan’t get into Zachary’s post and what I think of it. It’s only natural for kids their age to be spouting nonsense, and whatever I read I took with a grain of salt. I had once contemplated discussing his misogynistic thoughts on his LJ, but decided not to. I wasn’t really on either side of the argument, because (as I said before) both sides were taking it too personally, and their arguments were the equivalent of a drunk guy attempting to make conversation.
From what little I’ve read about the fallout, people have constantly said something along the lines of ‘neighbourhood school girls unite!’ or ‘PJC is awesome, if you don’t like it then quit school’. It’s no longer something rational to discuss about; it becomes personal, and that’s what created this drama. His words shouldn’t have been blown into the epic proportions that it was, and it seemed like people put pride before humanization.
I’ve never been a big fan of the idea that fighting for abstract ideals should triumph over empathy. I don’t like wars fought in the name of ‘freedom’, or the word ‘patriotism’ becomes a blanket term for xenophobia (hence my dislike for Bush). In this case, ’school pride’ is held up as justification for smearing his name on the walls (literally). I think people have forgotten that Zachary is just another guy. He has a family, his own thoughts, his own flaws. Now, he’s out as fodder on the execution range, and nobody gives a shit.
This brings me back to the Wee Shu Min saga many a year ago. She was around the same age, and she too harboured elitist views. She was mercilessly torn apart by everyone, and it was made even worse when she was featured in the press. I’m seeing all this again in Zachary. As usual, the responses are massively disproportionate to the crime at hand.
I honestly feel that teenagers don’t know what to think. I’ve seen blogs that mock Singlish and yet lambast the Speak Good English campaign. I’ve seen blogs that have criticized people for being stupid, and yet using poorly phrased arguments to convey their point. I’m not criticizing them, since that’s what kids do, but I think some perspective should be nice. Do Unto Others and all that crap.
I’m not sure what to think of this. I don’t hold Zachary responsible for his post, because I think people are still mentally developing at that age (at least in my case), but I wouldn’t want to meet him. I understand the outrage the people at PJC felt, but they went too far. In any case, I still don’t care.
What I can say, however, is that his apology post reeks of political correctness. I get the feeling that he was forced to write an apology by the higher authorities, something that I’ve always been vehemently against. I’ve had my own run-in with the principal of CGS, and I was forced to suck up to her to ‘atone for my mistakes’. It went against everything I stood for, and all I got from that ordeal was a lifelong vendetta.
What truly matters is that Zachary’s character grows from this; not an apology dictated by the higher ups. His misogynistic and elitist views cannot be changed in a fortnight, much less a single letter. I don’t like this culture of facades, where doing the right thing on the surface automatically means you’re absolved of everything else. Some PJC people called bullshit on his apology, and while I feel there are still remnants of a grudge, I actually agree. For this, I don’t blame Zachary. I blame the people upstairs, thinking that an apology would solve everything without actually addressing the real issues at hand - the problem of character. (In short: no, I do not think Zachary really meant what he said).
I do sympathize wholly with Zachary, given that I was once beaten into submission in a similar fashion, and I’ve seen firsthand how brutal and unsympathetic Singaporeans can be. I do hope that he changes for the better, and that the people who harassed him also understand the word ‘empathy’. I think Singapore created an elitist culture, where Singlish, neighbourhood schools and Geylang are considered ‘inferior’, while the Esplanade, PAP and British fags are the cream of the crop (or cake? Whatever), and, well, I don’t think I can blame the kids for harbouring such views. Zachary was a product of a culture that was generated by the very hands that prosecuted him, and I do think it grossly unfair.
The End.
ETA: Oh Zachary On The Tagboard, please shut the hell up. There won’t be any more people on your side if you continue with this special brand of faggotry.
ETA 2: According to ‘ANON’ on Elizabeth’s tagboard, here’s the new update.
hi zach. (pardon me, liz for using ur blog) your scandal has spread to almost all JCs in the west, God Bless You.
I particularly LOL’ed at God Bless You. Also, Zachary has, apparently, shut the hell up. I applaude you.
