“Everywhere and Nowhere”
There’s this thing in Psychology called the “Approach-Avoidance conflict”, where you have two conflicting drives to any set goal. The approach drive is always stronger than the avoidance drive, but the avoidance drive winds up peaking as the goal comes nearer, and that’s called the “backing out point”.
For all my excitement of wanting to go back to Singapore, as the day draws closer, I feel less and less assured of it. My aunt flew off to California yesterday so that was the last time I would see her for the next three months. And I just feel… so incredibly sad. I didn’t want to say bye so prematurely, and she was the one who cared for my well being. I’m just so, so, so grateful to her and it just sucks that all I could do was give her a brief hug in the parking lot.
Yeah, yeah, it’s only three months, I’ll see her soon etc., but that doesn’t stop me from actually missing them. They’ve really become my family over here, and they’re the only people I actually know in this country, and… I dunno. It’s so confusing to say I’m going to miss my family here while I go home to my real family. And then it feels awful to compare my real family to anything really, like I don’t miss them enough to go home.
I guess it’s like having two homes you’ve emotionally invested yourself into, and you have to choose. I think I’m just making it overdramatic, but it’s just… I don’t even know how to explain it. I feel so awkward in this family, but I feel like they’ve welcomed me so well leaving them seems like saying “what you did was a huge waste of time”. I’ve actually lived in this dump of an apartment for a year and despite the events of Bigfoot and Psycho Couple, it really pains me to leave it.
Not to mention the practicalities of leaving my apartment empty for three months. I’m still paying the rent for the time I’m away (didn’t sublease it, something that I regret), I still have to deal with the problem of paying the electricity bills (no online/hold option) and emptying my mailbox (I have no friends whee) for the remainder of the time that I’m away.
And it’s the tiny things that make me feel alienated from American culture. Like how they don’t pay that much for their water bills so they do their laundry separately, or even the mechanics of starting a conversation, or how they congregate in the kitchen of all places to start talking about their life, or how a 3 day break means a trip to New York/Indiana/Michigan/wherever, while our 3 day break means staying at home making up for lost sleep. But now I’m afraid that when I go home, I’d have forgotten how Singapore even functions in the first place, and that’s going to make my insecurities even worse.
Not that it’s bad already, seeing as “a sense of belonging” has pretty much been dogging me ever since I got here, and it’s really heightening as my plane trip approaches. The words “culture” and “belonging” have been paraded around so much I only think those who experience it can truly understand what a culture shock is, or even understanding the “dislocation” of one’s identity. It’s not something tourists experience, and it irks me to no end when they come back proclaiming they know everything about [insert country of choice here] after living there for 2-3 months.
It feels like a double identity, and you’re a bit of both but never truly either one. I miss Singapore, but if I go home, I’ll miss it here. I guess that’s the reason why I don’t want to leave. Every time I feel like I’m leaving the life in Singapore behind it always comes back, and I don’t want to deal with gaining something but losing another every single time I have to go back to either place. That, and also just the general exhaustion of needing to travel… I want to stop moving from place to place, and I just want to settle down somewhere. I want my own house, but now the laughable problem is 1. I’m still wholly dependent on my parents, and 2. I don’t even know where I should continue to live the rest of my life.
It’s 4.10 am right now, and I have no bedsheets for my bed, because I washed them this afternoon. I’m wondering if it’s worth the, uh, effort to go put on some sheets and go to bed for only 5 hours. I’ve loaned my PS3 to Ken for the summer, so I’m currently WoWing my way through the night, my stomach’s really hungry, but I have nothing in the fridge… I have to go pay the rent at 10am, deposit some petty cash in the bank, grab a Subway on the way back… I have to pack, print out the flight receipt, and still have to deal with that electricity problem.
Oh God, I don’t want to leave.
Danrom, part zwei
Another reason why I really, really, really need a vacation: I’m falling ill. I haven’t been sick in 3 years, and that last illness was during the A’ Levels. There’s finals week to go, so… yeah.
Anyway, my Behavioural Neuroscience final exam was today, and I feel a bit annoyed by the whole thing because it ended earlier than my other classes (I STILL HATE YOU, PHILOSOPHY). That was my favourite class, and I mean, the professor was absolutely brilliant. I’d honestly take his class again because he’s just that damn good. Meanwhile, Philosophy is the very last exam of the quarter, and GOOD GOD, I HATE YOU.
Wait, let me translate this into PL.
UD: Everything
Hxy: x hates y
Lx: x is the last exam of the quarter
Px: x is a person
e: Elaine
p: Philosophy 250 course
(?e)(?p)(Pe & Lp) ? Hep
I have a headache, and I’m taking today off from studying. I’ve been compiling my music in Excel for some chillaxin’, AND HERE ARE MY RESULTS THUS FAR:
I’m sure nearly everything labeled Tokyo Disneyland was by Jac. xD Also, Jac, YOU’RE SO MEAN TO GIVE ME 64KBPS MP3S!!! D:
Lastly, a couple of fun facts. FFX-2’s Paine is voiced by Gwendoline Yeo. Turns out she’s the niece of Singapore’s Minister of Foreign Affairs George Yeo (if Wikipedia is to be believed). I have lots of TL;DR thoughts on this, not least about the elitist structure of Singapore and how all our ministers seem to be educated abroad, but whatever.
Number 2: James Arnold Taylor, who voices Tidus in FFX, voiced Jack Sparrow and Timon in KHII. I wanted to LOL so hard. JACK SPARROW IS TIMON O SHIT
Singapuraaaaa
There really hasn’t been much to say lately, except that I’m now swamped with research papers to do by the end of next week and I’ve completely lost my motivation to study. The usual depressive phase has passed, but I have to say I’m really, really, really looking forward to taking a long summer break back home.
Speaking of summer: itinerary to Singapore dwee!
Date: Tuesday, June 10
Flight: NW 2914
Departs: Columbus-Int’l, OH (CMH) at 11:40AM
Arrives: Detroit-Wayne County Int’l, MI (DTW) at 12:52PM
Flight Duration: 1 hour 12 minutes
Date: Tuesday, June 10
Flight: NW 11
Departs: Detroit-Wayne County Int’l, MI (DTW) at 3:40PM
Arrives: Tokyo-Narita, Japan (NRT) at 5:35PM on Wednesday, June 11
Flight Duration: 12 hours 55 minutes
Date: Wednesday, June 11
Flight: NW 19
Departs: Tokyo-Narita, Japan (NRT) at 6:40PM
Arrives: Singapore-Changi, Singapore (SIN) at 12:50AM on Thursday, June 12
Flight Duration: 7 hours 10 minutes
A 20 hour flight, which really isn’t all that bad, considering my last flight was 28 hours long (YEAH GO CHASE THAT CONTINENT BITCH). I kinda wish I had a smaller laptop, though. This one’s big and heavy, and it’s gonna be a bitch getting this through customs. Also, yay for new US state on stopover. I’ve had Oregon, Illinois, Minnesota and now Michigan.
I don’t really like Japan’s airports all that much… If I did have a choice, I’d rather have a stopover at Hong Kong than Japan. It’s more user friendly, from my perspective. 3 more weeks! YAAAAY
Class Participation and SMU
So Jac posted this documentary of SMU (made by SMU) about the issue of class participation. Or at least it meanders around this issue and never actually gets a point. I suppose it tried to find some balance in the entire thing by showing both the pro and con side (and sticking some predictable ‘think about it’ on the video site), but seriously, if you want to fit something as broad as ‘class participation’ into a 15 minute documentary, everything is going to turn out shallow. Pick one aspect of class participation and run with it, not fit the 5W’s into the whole thing.
I’m reacting a bit more aggressively than I should be doing, which is something much to my surprise… I guess this whole participation thing is something that I do take grave issue with, and the assumptions that people have about it. I don’t like the Singaporean way of thinking that speaking up in class = good thing for ‘personal growth’, whatever that means, because we’re still falling behind this idea that we’re obliged to do something not because of interest, but because we’ve gotten this assumption that class participation means… what do they call it? A better interview spot?
We’re paralleling this whole Science/Arts debate all over again. The general idea is that taking Science leaves one open for more opportunities while Arts closes them. So we take Science, not because we are genuinely interested in Biology or Chemistry, but because there’s always this threat that in the event you really, really want to be a rocket scientist, you don’t have to look back and say, ‘WELL, SHIT’. (I’m of the opinion that if you’re not interested in physics at 15, you sure as hell aren’t going to be interested in physics at 30, but there are always the obvious exceptions, etc etc).
I get it, I really do. My issue is that they’ve generalized ’speaking up’ so broadly it hurts to look at it. Has SMU actually read any data that shows a correlation between speaking up in class and doing well in interviews? Have they done any research that shows that speaking in class is a skill that, when successfully taught, that can be generalized to any situation? Have they done any research to show how reliable their assumptions are in determining why people don’t speak up in class? Do they really fare any worse or better, in a personal sense? Have they done any research that shows that SMU cranks out ‘different and/or better people’ (whatever that still means) than NUS or NTU? Have these people done any research whatsoever that the sole skill in speaking up actually influences their graduates’ hiring rate? (I also like the irony that, according to the SMU Wikipedia page, that all the statistics showing SMU to be the better school stems from SMU itself, and not a independent organization. Also, one of the links are dead.)
And the laughable surveys with the funny looking balloons are just… so incredulous to take seriously. What was the question asked? What was the sample size? Who were the people surveyed? Did you check for any bias, or did you just run around the school yelling for opinions and compiling them in Microsoft Excel? There were so many things they left out (partially because, yet again, it’s only 15 minutes. I don’t know if they were doing this on their own watch or maybe it was some class assignment thing, but whatever) that you just cannot take the data seriously.
I especially liked the bits where they interviewed professors and students alike, and everyone just pulled these assumptions out of their ass (I guess that’s why they call it assumptions) and threw their own theories as to why kids don’t like to speak up (DATA, PEOPLE, DATA. You have a damn Psychology department; get your information there!). I especially like the complete contradiction at the end where ‘being yourself’ means ‘if you’re introverted, you still gotta bypass that shit and SPEAK UP’, as if talking is some sort of inherent personality trait in everyone THAT NEEDS TO BLOOM LIKE A PRETTY FLOWER. I got so furious with Mr. American Professor Who Was Talking with Kirpal Singh because he spouted so much nonsense I wanted to punch my screen in (of course, this is only a matter of personal opinion and experience, and absolutely nothing to do with his pretentiousness).
… And yet again, we still hold America as the epitome of progress and whatnot. I don’t get the Singaporean system, quite honestly. We adopt a British education system for the first 12 years and then you except the students to automatically adjust to a system that is so radically and structurally different (read “Sponsored and Contest Mobility and the School System” by Ralph H. Turner if you’re interested in the differences between the American and British systems of education. In short, education is not an independent faction and is generated by the cultural values in any given society) in university. You cannot expect us to be raised in a culture founded on elite values (nitpick with me about this and I swear I will cut you) and then suddenly say ‘okay, we’re all equal and we always need to stay on our toes and be competitive!’ and expect us to change our ideas like that. I feel SMU seems to have meshed these two ideas together, except now you’ve generated a student population that competes with the world while believing themselves to be superior to their own people. Not exactly a good thing to discriminate against your own, sweets.
Yes, the professors can blast away on their high horses that Singaporean culture prohibits kids from speaking up, but I ask again: where is the data? Is there a correlation between being obedient and not speaking up in class? This in itself even seems to operate on the assumption that speaking up in a classroom environment automatically constitutes challenge. What about comments? Questions? The latter was addressed (albeit briefly) in the documentary, and this already shows that it’s not about ‘traditional culture values’. It’s ‘we’re afraid to look stupid’ - a societal value. Is SMU going to change a societal value by implementing an system exclusive to themselves?
I want to share my own experiences in studying in an American institution. If any of you know me, I was born an American, and predominantly raised in Singapore for most of my life. I do consider myself more Singaporean than American. As usual, there is always the obligatory disclaimer that these are my opinions and my experiences, and it cannot be generalized to anyone else. My TL;DR thoughts are my own.
Class participation, to me, is a load of bullshit. That’s the short answer. There is the extremely long, long, LONG answer behind the cut, so be warned.
One year and three days
Whoops, I seem to have missed my one year anniversary in arriving into Ohio.
Uh, well, I suppose I’m glad that my March 12th entry was something of a somewhat positive note (at least in terms of talking about America, and I see the irony in ranting about Singapore).
Ramblings
ETA: Okay, I’m going to nap first before gaming. Ugh I’m so tired.
I’m finished with my finals, and I’m exhausted. I’m going to unwind with KHII (finally I’m able to play!) I used up two booklets for writing out my Holocaust exam - had I enough time, I would’ve written more.
I still don’t quite get why in America people leave so early once they’re done. Don’t they check their work for mistakes, or in the case of writing an essay, write about 10 more things they could touch on? I mean, I had my Stats exam on Monday, and had I not triple checked everything, I would’ve missed one bit where I forgot to square the number. My essay on the Holocaust had like, 6 major points and if I were to go into detail about those 6 points, I wouldn’t have enough time to finish the essay. It turned out that I was the very last student in the exam hall, and I was kinda shocked about that.
Julia apologized for not being online as often as she would be, in which I am completely grateful for (her apology, that is, not her not being online). The iPod I gave her for her birthday stopped working, so I’ll probably ask her to restart it, if not, to exchange it for a new one (since it’s still under warranty and shit).
I feel like I’m supposed to be happy that the exams are over, but I don’t feel anything about it. It’s been that way since I can remember… maybe OSU is easier, and that I’m not pushing myself as hard, or I do have more motivation to study than I did in NUS. Maybe because of that, I don’t really feel a sense of relief, since I didn’t stress myself as much as I could have. I did truly enjoy this quarter, and I guess it’s more of sadness than joy that the quarter had to end so quickly. I do hope that Spring will be as equally fun (and no more math! YAY… except now I have 3 Science courses to plow through).
I need to finish my food swipes by Friday. There’s fried rice and egg rolls tomorrow in the cafeteria, so I’ll probably get like, 5 helpings of that shit for lunch and dinner. It’s made from cheapass ingredients, but damned if it isn’t delicious.
Disneyfied is updated (briefly), I’ve joined the Twilight City RP as Belle (thinking of taking up Hades) aaaand… oh yes. Some Singapore-related whining.
