Aw shit.
I don’t know if my preoccupation with age is similar to the preoccupation of women growing old everywhere. I’ve always assumed that the reason why women were so sensitive with age was because of the idea that beauty disappears after youth. Maybe I’m wrong, but seeing the amount of products out there that claim to be ‘anti-aging’ seem to show some substance to the idea.
For me, growing older is another year closer to dying. I’ve mentioned before that I’m afraid of death, and dying is something that seriously I don’t want to face. It’s kinda scary at the prospect that you don’t know what will happen to you when you grow old - maybe your mind will go first, and the sad thing is you’ll never know. Maybe you’ll become paralyzed. Maybe you’ll become a burden on your kids. What’s going to happen if you have no children? Where will you go? A home sounds awful. I don’t want to pee on the bed and have a nurse scurrying after me.
It’s frightening to think about these things, and I keep thinking that at 21, a quarter (or less) of my life has gone by. It’s strange to think about getting married based on the prospect that you need someone to take care of you when you grow old. That’s the way I see it, at least. Screaming babies and having no privacy is not my idea of happiness.
And I have to make these decisions now. Do I want to pursue a relationship? I’m not really attracted to anyone. My personality sucks. Do I want kids? If I do, I should marry early. Pregnancies late in life will endanger your health. What if I don’t want kids? Should I adopt, at the very least? What happens if I grow old alone, and I collapse of a heart attack in my apartment and no one is there to help me?
Why do I have to be focused on the present? I understand the unnecessary need to worry on the past, but the future just feels so close. I don’t feel like I’m going through life right.
Argh, crap.
Heath Ledger
In case you haven’t heard already: Heath Ledger dies at 28.
It hit me rather badly. I called Julia all the way in Singapore at 7 in the morning to tell her about the news.
My reactions to death follows a predictable pattern. It’s ‘oh my god oh my god oh my god’, followed by an intense and desperate search for some breaking news, and when the event has passed, I would have it engraved in my memory forever. And my heart breaks every single time.
It’s really the same way I reacted to VTech and Columbine… I remember trying to blog about VTech in some way that would make sense, but I just couldn’t. I was angry at the people who brushed it off and said ‘oh, that’s so sad’ and did nothing, I laughed at Cho Seung Hui’s angry diatribe because that was me when I was 14 and emo, I felt so much sorrow for the people who needlessly died. I remember when Applie’s father died and I attended the wake. I was a wreck afterwards. I didn’t know what to say, and I still don’t.
It’s a paradox… I don’t know Heath, but he feels like a friend that’s just gone. I’ve seen him since A Knight’s Tale, and it feels like he’s been around for so long. He’s become a familiar face. And I suppose the shock stemmed from the fact that there were no previous indicators, not like Britney or Paris. I don’t care about the cause of death, but the fact that he’s dead. He’s dead.
And I still cannot understand how people can move on so easily. At least one forum that I frequent were absolutely unsympathetic to the news. People posted stuff along the lines of ‘good riddance’, or ‘and this concerns me how?’. ONTD was being an asshole, as usual, where a person’s death can be quickly supplanted by a post that says ‘HAPPY SUPER MEGA FUN POST GOOD TIME 2008!’
It hurts, really, looking at the indifference.
I can’t move on after someone dies. I don’t know how everyone else manages.
Death
I don’t think I’ve ever made any New Year’s Resolutions before. I’m sure I made a few unrealistic ones when I was a tiny kid, like getting all A1s in school and forgetting about them 3 weeks later (again I attribute this to my short term memory~)
Holidays and special occasions don’t mean anything to me. I don’t care when it’s Christmas, when it’s my birthday (I do care when Chinese New Year comes around though, because those are the only days I get to gorge myself on those delicious peanut cookies). Sure, SMS me wishing me a Happy New Year and all that, but… what’s the point? Why wish and celebrate? What’s so significant about a new year? What’s so significant about getting one year older?
There’s nothing in me that I can detail changing in a single year. I don’t even know myself. I don’t know how much it takes to make me snap, how much it takes to cause a breakdown… What are my true likes and dislikes? Sure, I may be crazy about Disney but what about 10 years from now? Why do I suffer from trich, and what causes it?
I’ve been doing alot of searching, and I’ve found I don’t have a one-type dominant personality. People used to stereotype me as the tomboy, or the rough kid… But I don’t think I’m that person anymore. When you find you cannot stereotype oneself, I think ‘one’ becomes a little lost regarding the ’self’.
I’ve been more afraid of death than I’ve ever been. Everyday I look at my father and my mother and I know they’re going to leave someday. I look at my sister and I think of us growing old together, and wondering who would go first. My maternal grandfather is 91 this year. He and my grandmother are riddled with health problems.
I can’t help thinking he’ll be the next death I’ll have to deal with after my paternal grandfather died when I was 8. My grandmother loves him dearly, and all the stories about old folks living and dying 3 months apart of each other has really gotten to me.
I will grow old and die someday, and putting that in perspective, makes everything seem worthless.
Some people turn that positively, living life to the fullest. I really want to believe that, but in the end, you’re just going to end up tired and going to sleep.
I’m scared of how that would be like. The world going on without me. Would there be a family at my funeral? Would they be crying? Would I make a difference? Would they move on? How would the world be like in 10,000 years? Would they exhume my grave and put me on display in a museum? Or would I be buried six feet under and be found by no one?
I would give everything in the world to be immortal. I want to be immortal, and not in memory, not in ’spirit’, whatever that may mean. I want to know that I am still alive, and I can see the world around me. Even if I was to be condemned in pain like Lucifer, I will want to live forever.
I am afraid of death.
