asdf
I officially hate my skin. I’ve burst into spots through some sort of allergic reaction.
I’m allergic to everything. GAH.
zzz
It feels strange that I’m looking for a break into my fifth week in the new quarter even when I already had a 3 month break before. I’ve been trying to make sense of this, of why I feel so unmotivated and just… demoralized, somehow.
I’ve been trying to look at the patterns in my life, and it really does seem that I lose motivation very quickly when I’ve been in a certain place for a long period of time. I used to think this short attention span was exclusive to subjects of the academic nature, but it seems that I operate on a more globalized view. Apparently I cannot focus when I’ve been in an environment for too long - my brain requires change to function.
I suppose that’s why my interests are so varied, and how frequently they wax and wane over time. Maybe that’s the entire motivation behind my belief that I’m really a master of nothing. I mean, I can write, I can draw/paint, I can do web design, I can game, I can study, I can play the piano and violin and a bit of guitar, I can do research - it’s just that I’m not good in any of it. I guess that’s also a predominant reason why I haven’t really set a path in life yet - I’m just not able to specialize in anything, and just throwing my lot into something that’s currently holding my interest at the moment isn’t exactly the best decision to make.
I’ve been in Ohio for a year and a half now, and I’m beginning to see my performance dwindle to what my standards were in Singapore. It’s always like this for me - I get really eager in the first few months, become really active and do really well in school, and then finally I just lose motivation to keep on going, and that’s when my focus starts shifting to something else. I guess that’s why I don’t write or paint or even do web design anymore… I no longer have the motivation.
I don’t even know what motivates me. Perhaps it’s change that drives me, but I don’t think anything (at least in a practical sense) motivates me, per se. My being is not (and has never been) validated by external agents. I do not cry at grades, I do not feel any less insecure when my mom and dad judge me (although I really think my anger is a defense mechanism against their words), I do not feel my worth is based on how many friends I have. I am not motivated by reward or punishment - I just want to get there because I want to. I am myself - I feel what I feel, and only I can control that. I feel ashamed because I am ashamed, not what other people think of me.
Maybe my frustration from my parents does stem from my determination not to get hurt by anything, and - as much as their intentions are meant well - they do pile it on, more so than anything I’ve experienced. You would think after so many years of raising me they’d learn that I don’t change simply because someone tells me to (even when rationalized), or that yelling at me about bad grades would make me more motivated to do better. I just… don’t validate myself by what they perceive as important. I guess my single-mindedness (or perhaps even self-absorption) does backfire on itself - very few external factors affect me, and I therefore cannot feel from it. I guess that’s why I constantly need change… to grab as many new things as possible to stimulate myself until it wears out.
Of course, my body just can’t physically keep up with change. I dread plane flights, jetlag, and the general exhaustion of the entire thing, not to mention the whole “packing my life’s worth into a single suitcase” dilemma. All I know is that I can’t stay here forever.
ETA: Today I feel like stabbing people in the head with a rusty fork. I feel really crummy.
It’s that time of the quarter again
What is it, week 5 already?
Well, I guess you’re right on time, then.
Good… afternoon
I’m in a bad enough mood to warrant skipping my Chemistry lecture today. It’s 40 minutes of droning that makes the stuff I already know even more complicated. I guess I’m feeling really tired (and frustrated, as usual).
Oh well, there’s always one of those subjects in every quarter that I do miserably at. Last time it was math, then Philosophy (oh my god, I still hate you), so I guess Chemistry is next on the list. I’m betting it’ll be Anthropology next quarter.
Dear Everyone:
Stop fucking telling me what to do, because I sure as hell will go in the other direction.
Solitude
I was thinking about this for a really long time last night… and I think what I want most in life is to feel indifferent.
I’ve always thought I’d go through life alone, and I’ve pretty much predicted the rest of my life will probably be like this, and I find that I’m okay with it. It tires me to talk to people… I can’t talk to more than one person at a time, and I’ll be really exhausted at the end of it. I haven’t talked to my family for a while already, my phone’s dead so no one in America can contact me, and I’m really glad for it.
If given the choice to stay with family and living alone… I find that I’m indifferent, really. Then again, my predicted experience and the experience itself will certainly be two different things… maybe I will grow weary of company.
I think I’ve grown up with this mentality that I can’t get hurt, and I can’t be weak. I’m not sure where that philosophy came from - maybe my dad passed it to me - because I sure as hell didn’t have some sort of traumatic childhood experience being bullied or whatever. I’ve found that I’m always the pillar for someone to lean on, and I think I’m growing tired of being the ’strong’ one; the one that everyone is sure can be left alone to her own devices and come out alive at the end of it. I think I’m just tired of being thrown into the deep end of the pool - it sets up expectations, and I’m getting tired attempting to live up to everyone’s perception of me.
The sad thing is, I don’t think my personality will ever allow me to be dependent on someone. I can’t win either way, and the only logical choice is to not have that option laid out on the table for me.
I like feeling indifferent. It prevents you from getting hurt, or getting bitchslapped in the face, and I don’t feel ridiculously happy most of the time anyway. I feel like I’m cruising through life without a purpose in mind, blindly following the footsteps of my father just because I can.
So yeah, I guess I’m fine with everything. I don’t think I want to care anymore.
