Before I forget
I always seem to think of things in the shower.
My capacity for social interaction seems to be declining as I get older and older. I remember in secondary school I craved for friends. I couldn’t even walk to the bus stop by myself. But now, walking alone is nice.
I think I just don’t have the patience to involve myself anymore. There is too much effort to put into making friends. You have to strike up conversations - which has been an enormous hurdle for me since I can remember - and maintain the conversation. And I just don’t care anymore about small chat, where you learn nothing of the other person. I don’t think I’ve made a single friend in the last year. I didn’t make friends in NUS, only acquaintances, and that was only when you were forced to work with them. After that, you hear no more from them. Joey was actually kinda cute.
So all that bullshit about OBS and making lifelong friends… I don’t think so. My friends spent 5 days a week with me, and me with them for 2 (or 4) years. In university you just don’t have that chance. You’re shuffled off to new classes every semester, and you meet a whole bunch of people that you have to introduce yourself to again. I’m just tired of doing that over and over, and at this point, I don’t care anymore.
I’m a narcissistic pig when I talk about myself to myself, but I seem to be really uncomfortable when talking to others about myself. Yeah, I’m an American who lived in Singapore all her life, but when people here ask me where I’m from, I just cut the ‘American’ part and say I’m from Singapore. So now I’m the ‘foreign student’, the Asian whose ‘a’s are pronounced ‘ah’s and she’s holed up in her room 24/7, oh gee, guess the stereotype was right: all Chinese people are hard workers and have no life. I can feel people thinking ’she has cancer? Or is she balding?’ when they see my spots when I come out of the shower (trichotillomania, if you’re wondering).
I hate getting embarrassed or being caught in vulnerable situations. Perhaps it’s pride, but that is the sole reason why I do not like change. I have to adapt to the new environment, figure out where the toothbrushes go, how to turn on the hot water, and even how to order a pizza from my dorm (which I haven’t, because I’m scared I’ll screw up or something) and the simplest thing like how to mail a letter in this country I have to learn. And seriously, when I’m in a bathrobe, or brushing my teeth, or washing my face, I feel vulnerable, okay? SO STOP TALKING TO ME.
