I FOUND IT
YAY!
Events
Inexplicable feelings. A mix of adrenaline, rage and melancholy. Weary… perhaps it is just another word for laziness.
I just want time to stand still.
In times of stress…
What is your ‘trigger’ when you get stressed out? Once you hit that level where you just can’t take it in the real world anymore, what is the thing that you instantly do?
For some people it’s eating. For others it’s exercising. Some people just dance their life away, get drunk, have sex and all that.
My source of comfort is escapism. I’ve created a whole fantasy world where I can immerse myself into. 11 major characters, discounting the villains (I think… don’t really keep track of numbers. Whatever) It’s a place where I really feel happy. The images are always so vivid… and I wish that my painting skills were up to par enough to match. Oh right. That was the reason why I got into painting in the first place.
Failed the placement test and I felt terrible. Maybe it’s because the desire to pass has always been a trait that was drilled into me since young, because frankly, (my head tells me that) it’s not that big a deal. Maybe it’s because the word FAILED had to be printed in BEEG BEEG CAPITAL LETTERS LIKE THIS SO IT LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE SCREAMING AT ME FOR FAILING. Maybe it’s because half of the people who took it passed and I’m probably just feeling jealous. Or inferior.
I think it’s inferiority.
Oh God.
I just realized I’m way too insecure.
—
After a fashion, I’ve been wondering what purpose my blog serves. More and more I’ve felt the need to stop myself from revealing too much. Once there was a post about bullying, another time it was an extensive explanation on my little world. Never published.
I think my blog was always about self-actualization. It was always about me, me, me. Yay for arrogance. Not politics, not current events, no opinions whatsoever, but always the journey of self. Whether it was just a one-liner getting pissed at someone, or a OMGYAY, it was a reflection of what I felt and what I was. Reading back on what I wrote (during the blogger days), I laugh at times, on others I get so confused because I was vague. Then there was the EMO!era, where I was full of angst and suicidal and as every typical teenager would do: hate the parents. I don’t know… I can go back and laugh at it for actually entertaining things like suicide, but very few know how close I was to attempting it.
Now that that rollercoaster has been shut down, I think I’ve become more mellow. Sometimes I wonder if I would change more, seeing as I thought I couldn’t get any worse when I was 16, and y’know, become more zen-like and calm and peaceful. One with the sea and the birds and the trees and all that. Maybe I will, or maybe I’ll just hitch another ride.
Which brings me back to my original point: the purpose of this blog. More and more events have become private, or what I feel are embarrassing. Age does that to you. But I do enjoy web-making… It just gives the self such a sense of satisfaction.
Will I stop blogging? Perhaps not. I have come to realize I do not enjoy putting my life out for all to see (even if there are none to see it, but the gesture itself is risky nonetheless). But I dislike writing manually for long periods of time, and I feel like I express myself better when I type. I don’t know why, but yeah.
And if I didn’t have a blog, I’ll have no place to show off my uber l33t skillz, yo.
Japanese Placement Test
An absolute disaster. Nothing else.
Rude, Stupid and WTF.
Went for Psychology and Japanese language lectures today.
Psychology went fine, save for a friend of a friend who proceeded to talk on her handphone for 15 minutes.
I made the mistake of not sitting for the placement test for Japanese, and today, to my astonishment, found out that we were learning about a third of what I learned in 6 months. The lecturer scheduled another placement test, so I’m going to have to revise all my grammar and kanji tomorrow.
The girl who sat beside me in Japanese drew on her lecture table and played with her handphone for the whole duration of the lecture.
The WTF moment came when someone came up to me after the lecture.
This girl talked way too fast. I vaguely heard something about me messaging her, and I instantly thought that she was the senior whom I was purchasing my EL1101 text from.
Me:… So you’re the one I’m buying the English text from?
Her: No, you messaged me about buying the kanji book from me at 24 dollars, remember?
Me: Kanji? No, I didn’t message you about a kanji book.
Her: YES YOU DID.
I cannot explain in words how irritating her tone of voice was when she said ‘yes you did’. Her tone was accusatory, mixed with Singlish (where you emphasize every single syllable and drag the final syllable at the end) and well, it was accusatory. It was as if she was convinced I was the one she was looking for.
Me: I did not message you. You’ve got the wrong person.
Her: A kanji book! You’re *talktoofast* right?
Me: I’m sorry?
Her: You’re Marilyn, right? (at least that was what I heard)
Me: No, I’m not. I’m Elaine.
Her: Oh. Ok.
And she left. I was flaming pissed at that point. Not even an apology for what you did? For your rudeness? For lack of etiquette? For lack of sense?
